Monthly Archives: October 2005

—EDIT 1:08am Sunday 10/30/05—

Of course 24 hours later and I’m already a mess.  I can’t remember
ever feeling so intensely, incredibly lonely as I did today.  And
I wish it’d go away cuz it eats at me, and it screws me up – the swarm of termites that destroy my faith so that I’m rebuilding
every week instead of just building.  It’s making a wreck out of
me.  And I don’t think I really GOT IT until today riding back on
that bus until I realized that “she won’t be waiting for you when you
get back,” and the extension of that; “nobody will be waiting for you
when you get back.”  Sublimely lonely, and irritating. 
Because God has promised so much more but I just can’t get over myself
and get to it.

—End EDIT—

Just came back from a great ACF Core Group bonding time after the
meeting.  We just shared… and talked… and shared and talked
for about…. 2.-something hours.  I played some songs @ the end
and then we prayed for each other (those who were left).  It was
really amazing, God just seems to… pick me up at the end of the week
and He’s so good even though during the week I’m often a mess.

I got an 84 on my Physics Test.  This puts me into contention for
a 5 at the end of the term! Plus, in general, it’s a good grade in a
hard class.  Huzzah.  Other classes are all right, had a Math
test today.  Nothing special.

XC’s been pretty tough; some interesting workouts and runs. 
Tomorrow we drive all the way to Deerfield.  We’re gonna have one
full bus: hurray, shoulder to shoulder boys and girls (we’ll have
travelling squads for both, but still, it’s tight with two
teams).  I’m running Varsity again!!! YES!!! Apparently, my 27
second record smash last week for Parents’ Weekend is enough to keep me
in Vars.  However, Eli Howe (a freshman who I’d be fine with if he
wasn’t so cocky) is also moving up, so Dave and I are gonna be running
tag team to stave off the in-team threat.  Infighting isn’t good,
but we didn’t start it so we’re allowed to bite back.  Hoo-ah.

God’s been good today.  Amen.  And I need to sleep because I
think He’s saying “you’ve been awake too many hours every night. 
Get to bed.”  Or something like that.  Take care.


amazing love how can it be
that You my King would die for me?
amazing love i know its true
and its my joy to honor You
in all my do, let me honor You
– david crowder [as performed by,]


EDIT -11:58pm

SAT scores are in.  As Nick Bowen said, “It’s like Christmas… where you can get COAL.”  Luckily I didn’t get any coal.  And my score improvement is ALL God (I was nearly dozing off in section 4…. plus I didn’t study enough… but… yes, again, GOD).  Hoo-ah.


Parents Weekend is wonderful, hurray for a Monday off.

Friday was a pretty full day.  I had every class (like everybody) and a Physics test, which was pretty much awful (but when isn’t it?).  After XC practice, went to orchestra rehearsal then dashed to the football stadium.  I found Andrew and Felicity too, and I watched a bit of Becca’s game (under the lights and all that) against NMH (who were on ‘roids… they were really huge).  I had to leave and run back for the concert, which was… interesting since I forgot my shirt in my room and had to get it before we performed.  Good thing I’m fast*phew*.  Afterwards, met up with madre and padre for a bit, then went to Grasshoppa with Andrew and Felicity.  I was pretty impressed with Grasshopper this year, I thought the dance by Blue Strut was good, and Katherine Adams’ He’s So Hot song was awesome.

Saturday I got to sleep-in while parents visited my classes.  Went downtown for breakfast w/ Andrew (dunkin’ donuts is good) then met up w/ parents for lunch before my race.  Then we went out to the race and beat the stuffing out of NMH.  As a senior, I was given the privilege to run in the Varsity race and so I  did.  Dave and I stuck pretty close together the whole way, but needless to say, the general pace of the race was faster than I’m used to.  I felt pretty crappy throughout the 3 miles.  Directly ahead of me was Dave and then 2 NMH guys.  Nullifying the “last tree” rule (don’t pass your teammates after the last tree), Dave told me to go and I sprinted past one of the NMH dudes (with like.. 100m left) and ALMOST caught the further NMH kid but there just wasn’t enough straightaway/time.  But still, I got one and that was worth it; came in 10th overall and 8th for PA.  AND, I broke my PR by 27 seconds, and I’m now 17:53.

Yesterday, Mike led the worship set and it went really well.  I’m proud of him.  I liked his choice of the passage and the songs, and we ended up doing some different things in some of the songs.  I think I was just fooling around and intro’d using the chorus (during practice) and Mike said “yeah let’s start from the chorus.”  It was a good idea.  Anderson’s sermon was pretty good, and I really like that song by Natalie Grant.  I first heard it doing college visits further south.  They have Christian radio.  They’re lucky.

Spiritually this weekend has been so-so.  I haven’t been mindful of God very well, sorta just… falling into work or TV or whatever else.  Part of it is the…aftershock of some emotional tumult this week; feelings of loneliness or, I dunno not-whole-ness have been troubling.  That’s probably because a year ago I was in a relationship and things were perfect (I thought so at the time though it’s really not true) and I was happy, etc. etc.  I’ve felt a little unsettled this week, a little restless about that particular topic and I think it’s been messing with my walk.  I did some longer, more serious praying today.  I’m hoping to rebuild more this week in light of getting more sleep and everything.

Back to work now.


a fountain for the thirsty
a lover for the lonely
this is our God
-Chris Tomlin

Yay, halfway through the week.  I got mid-terms back.  2 of my teachers simply don’t give out Hs at mid-terms but that doesn’t surprise me.  Got an H
in E.Asian History I swear, Extra Credit in that class
is pure GOLD.  I got all 10 points of extra cred on the first test
(yes, 10), and then 9 on the last test.  It’s really a
lifesaver.  Have a Physics test this Friday.  I
sorta get the frictional force concepts etc., but uniform circular w/
friction (and just uniform circ in general) is bothasome.

Spiritually this week’s been up and down, but not as bad as last
week.  I’m not feeling the same kind of relief and “saved my life”
feelings as last week, but that’s likely cuz I’m not in as dire
situations (4 tests last week really was pretty crazy).  Trying to
be mindful again, and
it’s getting better (i.e. remembering to pray spontaneously during the
day, and cutting down/out the swearing).  AND….. CGCMers, you’re
in for a treat: the set this week is….. NOT GOING TO BE LED BY
ME.  “Treat” can be interpreted literally or sarcastically, if you
don’t like the way I do things (first, I wish you’d tell me, I always
like to hear feedback) then that’s “good” I suppose, but if you do like
the way I lead things then…. well it’ll be new.. and I won’t ruin the
surprise.  And, not only does it get the team more
involved, it GIVES ME A BREAK!!! Planning and leading/orchestrating
double sets every week gets tiring even though I really do love
it.  So that’s a nice thing.

This week we have Parents’ Weekend, so madre and padre will be up here
Saturday to see my Fall term classes and meet the teachers and see our
home race versus NMH who WILL crush.  Speaking o frunning, my
shoulder is acting up again like last spring.  Luckily it doesn’t
hurt as much (so basically, lying down or turning or sitting up in bed
doesn’t cuz me to convulse in severe pain like last spring) and I’ve
been doing rehab band work with the trainers.  I’ll be good for
the race I hope.

Aight, back to reading about Chiang Kai-Shek and post-Qing China.


cuz i’ve been there before

and i know there’s still more

o Lord i need to know You

    what do i have if i don’t have You Jesus

    what in this life could mean anymore?

    You are my rock, You are my glory

    You are the lifter of my head

This has been one of the most roller-coaster weeks, not in the sense
that I’ve felt good then felt bad, but things really HAVE been good
then bad and vice versa.

Classes have been kinda vicious this week, not gonna lie.  I take
5 classes.  This week, I had 4 tests.  3 of those tests were
DOUBLE period.  It was kinda scary now that I think about it, but
I really wasn’t too fazed or worried… so I think that’s good. 
In addition to these 4 tests (and all the homework I also had), I had
lots of stuff to do like… apps and ACF prep.  please note: I am
not trying to say “I’m special cuz I’m swamped” cuz most of us seniors
are.  But then again, the 95 on the E.Asia test was nice. 
The 72 on my Physics test was
really good (in comparison with my last one, it was).  I felt
good walking out of the tests I took although the E.Asian one is still
unfairly long.  Yom Kippur was sweet cuz I went to bad that night
w/ lots of confidence for the econ test and was a nice break.

This whole girl thing has been on and off but still *blah*.  It’s
just frustrating.  Very frustrating, and very annoying. 
Sorta… blah, enough of that.

Running’s been mixed too.  My shoulder pain is coming back from
last spring, which is distracting and it kinda hurts.  I need to
keep going to the trainer and doing that funny rubber band thinger so
that this condition doesn’t incapacitate me like last time.  But,
the race today was sicknasty
We went to Brooks and raced Brooks & St. Paul’s.  Did anybody
notice the TORRENTIAL rain?  So yes, we ran in the crazy rain (JV
went first) when the rain was at its worst.  Also, the course was
SEVERELY flooded, and I mean it.  We had to run through this huge
“puddle” (i.e. POOL) that was knee-deep in some places.  The sod
and woodchips on their steep hill were sometimes good and supportive
but other times spongy and weak.  I had to fast-feet my way down
this really really slippery and dangerous mud portion too.  It was
wet.  It was COLD.  It was muddy.  It was
dangerous.  IT WAS HARDCORE.  I was 3rd overall
which was sweet too.  My time was something like last week’s
water-logged time, like 19:05 maybe?  Except this week was crazy
worse (conditions) but we BLAZED through the first mile (they clocked
me at 5:50 which is psycho).  When the JV guys walked back into
the gym building, everybody was staring at us.  The Girls were
like “omg…. geez.”  But no wonder they said that – Our socks
were black, our uniforms were muddy, we were soaked… you get the
picture.  It was sweet.

I’ve also been under a lot of criticism lately.  Just… I can’t
describe it well, just being written off, being told that I’m being
self-righteous to the extent that I can’t admit that I’m wrong.  I
was called a coward and that I ran away and set up a smokescreen of
“spiritual” reasons to justify my weakness… but that’s not
true.  I was told that I sold someone out because I was stupid and
wrong.  That was one of my worst nights I’ve ever had.  I
know that all of those accusations are wrong though.  I wouldn’t
have done of the things I did unless I knew I was doing the best I
could’ve done…
But then there’s this other criticism I’m getting, in particular an
e-mail from my Dad.  And his criticism is right.  And it
sucks.  I suck too, and that sucks even more.  I’ve been
unfair to my parents, my Dad in particular.  I’ve been
self-centered at home because I’m doing all this application stuff, all
these college visits, all this “my future” stuff.  That doesn’t
make me more important or more right.

Spiritually I’m also up and down.  I’m still doing devos, I’m
still praying, I’m still keeping God in mind, but I’m not mindful of
God.  There’s a difference to me.  I’ve been really
distracted by stuff that’s bothering me and destroyed by stuff that’s
attacking me.  ACF was good last night though, and God really
aided me during the discussion because I didn’t have that much time to
“rehearse” it and everything.  I dunno, this week has been too
much to think about.  I’ve wondered whether all the things I did
were wrong, whether I was wrong, whether I really was a coward. 
I’ve wondered whether anything I do is right at all.  I’ve
wondered how God is gonna pull me out and deliver me from this pit,
because I really was doing so well in faith up until… 2 weeks
ago.  Too many questions.

I have to prep worship for tomorrow now, in addition to rewriting some
college essays, in addition to starting the heavy load of homework for
this weekend which I’ve avoided since yesterday at 6th period… meh.


Twenty-four finds me

In twenty-fourth place

With twenty-four drop-outs

At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was

Twenty-four hours ago

[God] I’m singing “Spirit, take me up in arms with You

And I’m not who I thought I was

Twenty-four hours ago

[Please,] I’m singing “Spirit, take me up in arms with You

>>And You’re raising the dead in me…<<

Yay, tomorrow is Yom Kippur.  This has not
been a good week.  Physics test Monday will yield me another
gut-wrenching grade I’m sure… *yay* Some good things: 95 on my East
Asia test, and a 92 on my Econ test… but I had both another E.Asia test,
followed by Math test, both were double periods.  I have homework,
all the time.  I think I work something like… 5pm-12am with only
about a total of an hour wasted in there… plus ACF stuff, and worship
team stuff.  I’m pretty sure I’ve said this all before but
yeah…. Continued pressure from all this stuff is crushing me. 
Speaking of crushing… haha, girls are complicated, and that sucks too.

I’m in that annoying frozen place where the idyllic hope of is nice, the idea of relationship or whatever is so perfect…. but
most of me is going, “Greg, you just got out of this, wtf are you thinking??
and of course that’s true… I did just get out of it. 
Blah.  Joyce’s sermon about “when we’re spiritually strong, we are
hit by temptations, things that look and feel and seem good but
aren’t.  We are hit by things we want but shouldn’t go after” is
applying now.  Frickin’ A, not to mention I was floundering
earlier with the excuse that, “I’m doing ok still and… that’s because I don’t really
know if it’s bad, and do I even like her… so… it’s fine…”

Yeah, I rationalize a
lot, especially when I’m afraid of what might be (whether “QUIT it and
walk away” or
“yes Greg, you like her”)…  One devo was particularly…
relevant this week.  It said, “If God has given you even a shred
of truth, you should obey it.  Sitting there waiting to understand
and figure your way through it will halt your walk with God. 
You’ve got to obey, because you KNOW, there is not excuse when you
know.”  I felt pretty bad after that, because I know I like her
but I refuse to …. “want” to turn away from it cuz I like the thought
of it…

And I can’t believe I just put that up there.  And this is all
because certain people she knows told me that she was interested in a
“nice guy.”  It started as “oh that’d be kinda nice” in a fun,
way.  And look what’s turned into. 
grr….  I hate the power of suggestion.

Needless to say, spiritually I’ve been in upheaval.  Lack of sleep
has ravaged my concentrating abilities for devos in the mornings. 
My constant anxiety over work and all that crap makes me forget to
pray, makes me forget to be mindful of God, makes me forget tons of
stuff.  And, I’m pretty bitter and somebody about my whole Physics
situation, because I feel like I only enrolled cuz of that person
(sorta directly… ish?) which is bad.  I’ve been swearing a lot,
cuz I’ve been that angry…  *sigh*

i’m glad we have no classes tomorrow.  i need sleep.  i need
time to get ahead on work.  i need God to really take this out of
me for fear i go and make another shattering mistake like last time.


we don’t have to talk
all of these things so much afraid

the ones that we can’t live without    scared out of my mind

cuz everybody needs somebody        by the demons i’ve made
it’s just an ordinary pain               -Jars of Clay

Today was quite a day, quite a long one but after some thought, it
turns out it was pretty good I think (very convoluted I know..). 
Started bright & early with SATs, the 1 to be exact.  I went
all right I think.  I didn’t study, and really, any good score I
may get will send the credit right to God; I really will owe Him
whatever good comes out of this testing.  It was…. long as
always but… *shrug* I’m kinda drained, can’t really say much about it.

After lunch (Commons food today was AWFUL), I finished English reading
then went to my XC race.  Yes, the in hurricane-force wind and
rain and cold.  It was really ghetto, since Choate got here so
late we had to combine the Boys Vars & JV races into one.  So
I started the race w/ my good friend (and captain) Sean Hamilton. 
Yeah, not really…. “normal.”  Did I mention the gun went off
at… 5:30pm? It was dark by the time we entered the Sanctuary and a
lot of the shaded parts were really hard to see.  My “shadow” is
actually an injured top-seven freshman.  He didn’t shadow for
long, which is ok with me, let the won battles go (he’s already won)
and that’s ok with me.  I finished 15th overall, including the
Choate people.  So…. if overall I was 15….. we owned
Choate.  *shakes head* poor them, they drive 3 hours to race in
rain and get killed.  *shrug*

Afterwards, I raced to shower and then went to Sweet Basil to celebrate
Kate’s birthday with a lot of other people (Mike Li, Andrew Hsiao,
Sarah Gershkon, Felicity, Pawina, Jen, Eliza, Becca and Elizabeth)
where we had a good time  I have to plan worship
now though.  So, it’s time to go.  And though it reads
12:04am, I finished writing this entry @ 10.


i’ve seen it all and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
– Lifehouse

Physics test was moved. YES, I’m saved.  Also, having Ms. Yao go over the homework extensively is good.  yay.

I feel proud of myself, all my teacher recommenders and my supplementary recommender have their envelopes w/ stamps and all that stuff.  It feels good to be done with that part.  I just have to finish my Common App now… Blah, I could spend like…. 4 hours looking at it again and again and I probably would still have that uncomfortable feeling of, “is it REALLY done?  is it REALLY good enough yet?”  Oh well.

ECON test, though it was 2 weeks ago, has emerged with flying colors.   A 92 has made my day very nice in addition to getting all the college garbage taken care of.  Hurray.  Also,  my homework load has been severely reduced, and there’s no homework debt (i.e. getting behind on PHYSICS) to be taken care of cuz last night’s homework got reassigned in Physics.

Finally. A decent day.

At the bequest of my friend: Kevin McCarthy is pretty cool.  Especially when he has no beard.  Good for him.

XC today is going hurt; I didn’t eat lunch cuz the linbe was long and it was already gettin late…. so I’m going to be rather woozy during the speed work today.  joy.  but oh well, things are getting better.

Devos have not been going as well this week.  The sense of overwhelming pressure does a number on my concentration, my ability to clear my mind of distractions, and my ability to have the clarity of mind to mindful of God.  Kinda sucks because I’m NEEDING help more now than I was before.  Not to mention things like ACF and CGCM have added responsibilities I need to take care of.  I never know, is it OK to plan a set when your relationship is feeling off?  But then again, I’m still right w/ God, it just doesn’t “feel” all nice and RAHR = faith over emotions anyway?  So I will be planning sets then.

OK, I’ve got East Asia reading to do.  We had an E.A. test yesterday. it was ridiculous, but even in our vast “wth, we didn’t have to know this!”, Andrew and I had fun.  Hurray for partner prowess (partner tests r0x0rz)


Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me
everything You are
Give me one more chance