This has been one of the most roller-coaster weeks, not in the sense
that I’ve felt good then felt bad, but things really HAVE been good
then bad and vice versa.
Classes have been kinda vicious this week, not gonna lie. I take
5 classes. This week, I had 4 tests. 3 of those tests were
DOUBLE period. It was kinda scary now that I think about it, but
I really wasn’t too fazed or worried… so I think that’s good.
In addition to these 4 tests (and all the homework I also had), I had
lots of stuff to do like… apps and ACF prep. please note: I am
not trying to say “I’m special cuz I’m swamped” cuz most of us seniors
are. But then again, the 95 on the E.Asia test was nice.
The 72 on my Physics test was
really good (in comparison with my last one, it was). I felt
good walking out of the tests I took although the E.Asian one is still
unfairly long. Yom Kippur was sweet cuz I went to bad that night
w/ lots of confidence for the econ test and was a nice break.
This whole girl thing has been on and off but still *blah*. It’s
just frustrating. Very frustrating, and very annoying.
Sorta… blah, enough of that.
Running’s been mixed too. My shoulder pain is coming back from
last spring, which is distracting and it kinda hurts. I need to
keep going to the trainer and doing that funny rubber band thinger so
that this condition doesn’t incapacitate me like last time. But,
the race today was sicknasty.
We went to Brooks and raced Brooks & St. Paul’s. Did anybody
notice the TORRENTIAL rain? So yes, we ran in the crazy rain (JV
went first) when the rain was at its worst. Also, the course was
SEVERELY flooded, and I mean it. We had to run through this huge
“puddle” (i.e. POOL) that was knee-deep in some places. The sod
and woodchips on their steep hill were sometimes good and supportive
but other times spongy and weak. I had to fast-feet my way down
this really really slippery and dangerous mud portion too. It was
wet. It was COLD. It was muddy. It was
dangerous. IT WAS HARDCORE. I was 3rd overall
which was sweet too. My time was something like last week’s
water-logged time, like 19:05 maybe? Except this week was crazy
worse (conditions) but we BLAZED through the first mile (they clocked
me at 5:50 which is psycho). When the JV guys walked back into
the gym building, everybody was staring at us. The Girls were
like “omg…. geez.” But no wonder they said that – Our socks
were black, our uniforms were muddy, we were soaked… you get the
picture. It was sweet.
I’ve also been under a lot of criticism lately. Just… I can’t
describe it well, just being written off, being told that I’m being
self-righteous to the extent that I can’t admit that I’m wrong. I
was called a coward and that I ran away and set up a smokescreen of
“spiritual” reasons to justify my weakness… but that’s not
true. I was told that I sold someone out because I was stupid and
wrong. That was one of my worst nights I’ve ever had. I
know that all of those accusations are wrong though. I wouldn’t
have done of the things I did unless I knew I was doing the best I
But then there’s this other criticism I’m getting, in particular an
e-mail from my Dad. And his criticism is right. And it
sucks. I suck too, and that sucks even more. I’ve been
unfair to my parents, my Dad in particular. I’ve been
self-centered at home because I’m doing all this application stuff, all
these college visits, all this “my future” stuff. That doesn’t
make me more important or more right.
Spiritually I’m also up and down. I’m still doing devos, I’m
still praying, I’m still keeping God in mind, but I’m not mindful of
God. There’s a difference to me. I’ve been really
distracted by stuff that’s bothering me and destroyed by stuff that’s
attacking me. ACF was good last night though, and God really
aided me during the discussion because I didn’t have that much time to
“rehearse” it and everything. I dunno, this week has been too
much to think about. I’ve wondered whether all the things I did
were wrong, whether I was wrong, whether I really was a coward.
I’ve wondered whether anything I do is right at all. I’ve
wondered how God is gonna pull me out and deliver me from this pit,
because I really was doing so well in faith up until… 2 weeks
ago. Too many questions.
I have to prep worship for tomorrow now, in addition to rewriting some
college essays, in addition to starting the heavy load of homework for
this weekend which I’ve avoided since yesterday at 6th period… meh.
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop-outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
[God] I’m singing “Spirit, take me up in arms with You“
And I’m not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
[Please,] I’m singing “Spirit, take me up in arms with You“
>>And You’re raising the dead in me…<<