Week – Awful.
State – Drained, tired, depressed, overwhelmed, scared, pressured, wary, unsure.
Bad – ACF troubles, CGC troubles, troubles of the heart, and work troubles
Good -…. the only good thing this week was my UPenn interview, which I find sad.
I lost it today. I haven’t… sobbed in over a year. I’ve cried,
plenty of times, but… sobbed? Lost it completely? Lost
control? Cried to the point shaking? It’s really hard for
me right now to know what to do. My responsibilities for ACF are
going to increase tenfold, and that’s going to take a toll on my sleep
and sanity as if I’m not sleeping little enough as it is.
I’m so drained right now from today that I’m essentially
emotionless. ****. How come it can’t be easy? How
come I can’t find the time to level with God, to enjoy Him, to get away
from the **** I have to do? How come I’m Spartan and there is no
back-up? I have lost a lot of myself, my trust, my energy, my
strength this week. And for what? There is nothing to be
gained at the moment. I don’t feel like I have anything good
going for me at the moment. Track is fun, don’t get my wrong and
I love being Captain and everything, but it’s not… it’s not my faith,
it’s not God. And my faith just… it won’t get out of the stupid
rut that it’s in. What I need to do I can’t do, so I have to
settle for the normal, the devos the regular praying the regular things
that maintain but do not lift up. And I’m still lonely. And
it’s on my doorstep, an answer to that is staring me right in the face
and if.. if I decide to go for it, I’ll have that thing I’ve been
missing, not God, but the girl. If I choose to pursue, it will
work, we will work. And I won’t be lonely. So far God is
silent. But what if He’s not and I can’t hear? I hate being
far from Him. If I say no, then I’m choosing, actively,
deliberately, to deny the thing that would be good. In The New World (which
is boring so don’t see it, but this line…), Colin Farrell
soliloquizes: “are we to deny love when it visits us? to deny what is
right?” I’ve never felt this… right with a girl since
Becca. Sara was… a crush with desperation and severely
loneliness to make it volatile. But this… it fits. It
feels right. It will work if I go forward. And that
knowledge scares me. Do I risk breaking someone else’s
heart? Do I risk breaking mine? Do I risk falling off
further? For a Christian on my level (whatever that means) I
certainly do leave a lot of damage and heartache in my wake don’t I…
I cried because I thought of saying “No….” to this… this….
visitor at my door, and if I do, I choose the loneliness, I choose the
bleak and hopeless fight, I choose the unending uncertainty that haunts
me. I’m so afraid that I will never find anyone, and if I deny
this, I say goodbye. That’s irrational. But.. I’m scared.
I better go now.