Monthly Archives: January 2006

Week – Awful.
State – Drained, tired, depressed, overwhelmed, scared, pressured, wary, unsure.
Bad – ACF troubles, CGC troubles, troubles of the heart, and work troubles
Good -…. the only good thing this week was my UPenn interview, which I find sad.

I lost it today. I haven’t… sobbed in over a year.  I’ve cried,
plenty of times, but… sobbed?  Lost it completely?  Lost
control?  Cried to the point shaking?  It’s really hard for
me right now to know what to do.  My responsibilities for ACF are
going to increase tenfold, and that’s going to take a toll on my sleep
and sanity as if I’m not sleeping little enough as it is.

I’m so drained right now from today that I’m essentially
emotionless.  ****.  How come it can’t be easy?  How
come I can’t find the time to level with God, to enjoy Him, to get away
from the **** I have to do?  How come I’m Spartan and there is no
back-up?  I have lost a lot of myself, my trust, my energy, my
strength this week.  And for what?  There is nothing to be
gained at the moment.  I don’t feel like I have anything good
going for me at the moment.  Track is fun, don’t get my wrong and
I love being Captain and everything, but it’s not… it’s not my faith,
it’s not God.  And my faith just… it won’t get out of the stupid
rut that it’s in.  What I need to do I can’t do, so I have to
settle for the normal, the devos the regular praying the regular things
that maintain but do not lift up.  And I’m still lonely.  And
it’s on my doorstep, an answer to that is staring me right in the face
and if.. if I decide to go for it, I’ll have that thing I’ve been
missing, not God, but the girl.  If I choose to pursue, it will
work, we will work.  And I won’t be lonely.  So far God is
silent.  But what if He’s not and I can’t hear?  I hate being
far from Him.  If I say no, then I’m choosing, actively,
deliberately, to deny the thing that would be good.  In The New World (which
is boring so don’t see it, but this line…), Colin Farrell
soliloquizes: “are we to deny love when it visits us? to deny what is
right?”  I’ve never felt this… right with a girl since
Becca.  Sara was… a crush with desperation and severely
loneliness to make it volatile.  But this… it fits.  It
feels right.  It will work if I go forward.  And that
knowledge scares me.  Do I risk breaking someone else’s
heart?  Do I risk breaking mine?  Do I risk falling off
further?  For a Christian on my level (whatever that means) I
certainly do leave a lot of damage and heartache in my wake don’t I…
I cried because I thought of saying “No….” to this… this….
visitor at my door, and if I do, I choose the loneliness, I choose the
bleak and hopeless fight, I choose the unending uncertainty that haunts
me.  I’m so afraid that I will never find anyone, and if I deny
this, I say goodbye.  That’s irrational.  But.. I’m scared.

I better go now.

I’m in the middle of a three-day period of intense
testing garbage stuff.  Yesterday turned in an English paper for
my 2nd English.  Today, I had an in-class essay in my 1st English
which went TERRIBLY…fricking. Yeah really badly.  And tomorrow I
have an Econ test (double-period, first thing in the morning).  I
dunno, I don’t feel prepared.

The medicine is working, I’m getting better! Hurray!  However,
things still aren’t going that well.  Spiritually, emotionally,
I’m really… a mess.  My life’s a mess.  My faith and my
leading is a mess.  How can I lead ACF when my personal
relationship with God is so off-track and out of gas?  How can I
do anything effectively when I personally am languishing in a very deep
hole that I’ve helped to dig?  It sucks, cuz I don’t want
this.  Often, people say “oh.. my faith is bad.. God help…” but
I’m willing to actually try on my own (I despise the quote: “let go and
let God” because few people are in that position) because I haven’t
been.  I don’t know… it’s discouraging, and I’ve been
particularly succeptible… to songs and everything that make me
soft.  Kinda sucks too.  I already said that.  Many
times.

Time for dorm munch…

sew this up with threads of reason and regret

i cannot forget, i cannot forget

how this felt one year, six months ago i know

i cannot forget, i will not forget.
-yellowcard

—–

TEN FIRSTS
First Best Friend
: Will Quayle from Lincoln Schools… From
way back when, Jake Rogell in Pittsburgh

First Pet: A fish while I still lived in Pittsburgh
First Piercing
: No tengo
First Crush
: hmm… the first serious one? Anna Levenson in
7th/8th grade
First Date: After Interschols Lower year, Bec and I and a
bunch of friends went to see Troy.
First CD: No Name Face by Lifehouse.  How fitting, it’s still my favorite
First Car: Don’t have one, I drive the Infiniti and Acura
during vacations though.
First Love: *sigh* if you don’t know the answer, then you
don’t know me.  But for those who have
forgotten (though I doubt I ever let that happen), it was Becca.
First School:
My kindergarten/day care in Pittsburgh,
then Lincoln Public
schools.
First Drink
: First drink? I’ve had wine…margarita…a bunch
of champagne (at my cousins’ weddings)

 NINE LASTS
Last Beverage: A cup of 2% Milk at our Cluster munch.
Last Car Ride
: This Sunday my parents drove me down to
Sweet Basil for dinner and back up.
Last Movie Seen:
Last Phone Call: Parents
Last CD Played: Ocean Avenue
by Yellowcard
Last Bubble Bath:
WUT? I was…like…10?
Last Song Listened To: Back Home by Yellowcard
Last time you cried: I get half-way there pretty often (I’m
not depressed, yet, don’t worry) but really cried?  Last week I guess.
Last bad thing you did: Wasted lots of time. Swore.

EIGHT
HAVE YOU EVERS

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Err…she
became my “best friend” in the relationship. 
I told Becca everything, but I don’t think that counts.
Have you ever been arrested: Nope
Have you ever skinny dipped: Hmm… probably
Have you ever been on tv: Maybe… no, dunno.
Have you ever cheated: Chinese
School tests!!!
Have you ever been in love: Yes, definitely.
Have you ever been dumped: er… no.  I’m usually the happy soul that gets to do
that.
Have you ever been in a car accident: Yeah, when I was younger
I got hit by an 18-wheeler turning left at a Lincoln
intersection… and I got rear-ended over break at the Fresh Pond Mall.

 
SEVEN
THINGS YOU’RE WEARING RIGHT NOW

1. Aeropostale long-sleeve blue shirt.
2. Old Navy Jeans
3. A belt
4. Socks
5. A watch
6. Fleece
7. Livestrong bracelet

 SIX THINGS
YOU’VE DONE TODAY

1. Screwed up an in-class essay for my 1st English.
2. Checked e-mail and Facebook and Xanga
3. Ran a workout in Track
4. Watched a wrestling meet where PA beat Worcester
Academy. YES!
5. Went to Econ review session for tomorrow’s test
6. Ate cake at our Cluster Munch.

FIVE FAVORITES
(in no particular order)
1. Listening to old favorite songs, or finding really great
new ones.
2. Vacations where I get lots of time to just… be lazy and
watch good movies and TV and learn new songs on the piano.
3. Leading a good worship set
4. Getting new clothes every once in awhile
5. Good conversations, usually deep (that’s the way it is with
me I guess) in person, and on AIM, and on the phone, and writing good e-mails
and getting good e-mails.

 FOUR PPL YOU
CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO

1. Dowdy
2. Emily Williams
3. Andrew and Josh (they’re my A-House triumvirate, it’s an
assumed group)
4. Seriously, just about anybody from Church who cares enough
to want to know.

 THREE CHOICES
1. black or white: White
2. hot or cold: Hot
3. chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla


TWO THINGS YOU WANNA DO Before
YOU DIE

1. Get my purpose straightened out and learn to have a stable
and growing relationship with God.
2. Love others. 
Really.  To make good friends, to
do the best I can in all my relationships (platonic and otherwise).

ONE
THING YOU REGRET

1. Geez…which one?  A lot about my
relationship with Bec… not that she’s bad, but one of a variety of things in my relationship with her. 
I regret…I dunno, ask me in person, that’s a complicated question to fit
into a one-liner.

I’m wickedly tired, and had a very unrestful weekend (though technically it’s restless, but that doesn’t really work).  Friday I had an extremely difficult workout.  I was, for half of it, no less than 5 seconds from blackout/collapse.  My upper body was really fatigued from lifting the day before so I was really weak while running, and I was very tired from lack of sleep.  My form was TERRIBLE for most of it… When I got back into the gym, I jumped onto the pole vault mat for a short rest and as soon as my feet left the ground, I was afflicted with an immensely painful cramp/charlie horse in my left calf.  I have never screamed or sworn louder.  I don’t think anybody in the history of the school has.  I don’t even remember what I saw while I was screaming it hurt so badly, but when I asked Kit about it afterwards, she said “Greg, I think the people in New Zealand could hear you.”  Whoops.  So I went into the Run-A-Thon with an injury… but I ran some laps throughout the evening and it loosened a little.  We were crazy and got all 100 miles (1165 laps) done in about 2.5 hours.  WAY fast.


Saturday… had a Tufts interview which went badly.  I’m really annoyed/angry about it because I went in, well-dressed and everything and I performed very well, but my interviewer was an unfriendly woman who finished it up in 23 minutes.  That’s REALLY short.  And she was extremely unfair; she asked me “what other schools have you applied to?”  You can’t ask an applicant that.  I am up early in the morning having an interview with YOUR school because I want to go to YOUR school; you can’t ask about the others.  GRRR…. so I was stupid and wasted a lot of time on Saturday, went to the Boys Vars  Hockey game (whicih we lost to Nobles, who is #2 in the nation and #1 in the East.. ouch).  Later that evening I spent 3.5 hours doing corrections on my Physics test (60… ack) but didn’t even finish it.  It sucked.


Sunday, got up for the bus to the meet.  Had a bit of drama when the gym was locked but got everything together in time.  Went to GBTC Invitational at Harvard.  Ran the 60m and the 200m.  They both sucked.  I ran a better 200 time over Winter break without the strength/speed work under my belt that I now have.  It was so stupid.  The 60 was terrible as well.  GAH.  Bec, Dowdy, Zoom, Hanson and most others had pretty… meh days.  For me it was tremendously NOT worth it because I got back, had dinner w/ the parents, and did work.  By 7pm last night, NONE of my homework was done.  So I worked until 2:00am and had to do my laundry too.  Which sucks.


And I’m griping.  I’m not in a good mood.  And I have an English paper due tomorrow.  And an English in-class in my other English class on Wednesday.  And Physics homework… fricking a.


—-


who has to know
when we live such
fragile lives?
it’s the best way we survive
-the all-american rejects

We’re about to lose power from a grid shutdown or something like
that… Had a meet yesterday too, against Masconomet.  We
owned.  I got 2nd place in the 50, which was ok, but annoying cuz
my opponent wasn’t that fast.  If I’d run my AHS time, I would’ve
smoked him clean.  I ran another PR in the 300!  It’s now
36.4seconds so that was sweet.  Boys won by a
lot.  Girls won by quite a lot too.  It was good.

I’m still sick.  My cough is very irritating because it won’t
go away.  I hope it deosn’t mess with me this Sunday; we’re going
to Harvard to race at GBTC Invitational.  I’ll be running the 60m
and the 200m.

Spiritually things have been improving.  I think that the devos
are sticking more.  Unfortunately, this weekend, I’ll have no ACF
(cuz of the Run-A-Thon) and no Church (cuz of the GBTC meet) so I’ll be
kinda “spartan.”  Work has been irritating, sleep has been very
fleeting because of work and stupid procrastination (only once or
twice)… *shrug* Trying to get better.  Spiritually and
physically, I am sitll ailing.  But I repeat myself.  Back to
work.. or sleep, since it’s 10 and I’m exhausted.

Adios.

—-

and was said unto the rose

to make it unfold

was said to me here in my chest

so be quiet now and rest
-david crowder band

Hoo-ah it’s the long weekend!  Busy busy Thursday night cuz of the long meet on Wednesday… but my neck was improving all the time.  Friday had every class (evil) and turned in my final CCO list of stuff.  Had practice and dinner, then went to ACF which was all right but Hanson and Dowdy came so that was really cool.


Saturday got up early for my 9:30 Cornell interview.  My interviewer dude was pretty cool, and if they were taking any notes on us, I think it went well.  Brunch, some meager amount of work, then to track meet. Which was awesome.  Prospects against AHS were grim; Boys haven’t beaten AHS in 2 years.  But I got 2nd place in the 50yd and a PR!!! 5.7sec is the new time to beat.  I was out of the blocks like a rocket even with my neck issues.  I beat this 6′ huge black dude with dreds.  Then I ran the 300 which went splendidly.  Jason Sheldon (our graduated Sheldon’s little brother) wasn’t running today so I got a little break, but I owned the AHS guy like he was property and came in first with ANOTHER PR!!! The time to beat is 36.5sec.  Alex Hugon had a sicknasty win in the 1000 (completely unexpected too!)  The boys had an awesome day (Zoom and Soule pulled their weight as usual) and we had an 8-point lead before the final event, the 4×4 relay, so we’d already won.  But we won the relay too so we made it a 13-point lead


For girls it was wicked tense.  Bec didn’t do well in the 1000 and Sarah Cohan worked super hard to get a 3rd place (which you’ll see was so important), and the other distance events were hard to take points in (though our girls racked in whatever they could).  Kit, Alyse and Hannah however swept the 600 which was awesome.  The Girls stuck it close the whole time, and by the 4×4 they were behind by 4 points – Win the 4×4 and we win the meet.  But the girls did that as well with a half-lap lead (same as the Boys) and won the meet by 1 point.  So hurray, PA track pwn3c| the AHS.  Afterwards, ate the pizza that some guys brought back for dinner, fooled around in the dorm and then watched the Pats game in Ryley… which was sad.


And church is cancelled today cuz of snow.   Mike if you read this, you’re up for next week, and Paul you’re up for the week after (just move it over one week).


Aight, time for reading (both Englishes and Econ).


—–


this is the way that i say i need You
this is the way that i say i’m Yours
-switchfoot

Had a meet yesterday against Tewksbury, from 3:15 to 7.  Yes very long.  I hurt myself the day before doing a block start, had a really bad spasm in my shoulder/neck – kinda felt like I got shot… so yesterday I ran the 50Y (and won it ) but not the 300… and if I had I woulda won it, and then we coulda won the meet…. it’s rather frustrating.


I was really tired in English yesterday… kinda falling asleep… Somehow, the postmodern novel is… kinda hokey…. Physics beforehand was so-so, it got hard again. *sigh*


I’m still sick as well, which is really really annoying, cuz I don’t want to be sick.  I’m taking a lot of meds now; kinda scary.


Ok, time for Econ (I found out I had Econ homework last night at 8) kinda annoying.  Time for “labor unions”…

So…. almost died yesterday at practice; (hyper)speed workout.  I’ve never been closer to throwing up.  Nor have I ever been so close to passing out.  Did I mention that these two abominable feelings were occuring simultaneously so I had extreme light-headedness and queasiness at the same time.  It was not pretty, in all my 6 years it’s never been that bad.


Two Englishes are fun. Physics was good today (*GASP* did he say “GOOD”?) Yes I did, I got all the “try these out” problems and understood it.  For once.  Huzzah *dances in a circle* but of course this may pass as soon as move into the next chapter, at which point I’ll once again succumb to being completely unhappy and miserable in AP Physics.  Yay.  And Math is remarkably easy.  It’s… kinda scary; I know it’s cuz of my teacher and I don’t know if it’s going to help me or hurt me because it’s tempting to just cruise through the class and not really work hard….


I’ve been doing my devos this week and been writing responses to them.  My Utmost for His Highest doesn’t have any response questions or anything, so I’m now writing a couple lines on what it makes me think about.  I’m still not nearly spiritually healthy/strong yet, which is annoying, weakening, and hindering for so many reasons.


Just got my picture taken (in the library no less) for photo shoot thinger, cuz I’m Track captain.  They had me do a bunch of random poses, like hands on hips, arms crossed, running in place (which is really awkward since it’s indoors and there are so many random people WATCHING as I did this) and from a starting position. It was kinda fun, hehe.


OK, back to Nabokov (Pale Fire) and The Novel After Modernism.


—–
(and this song doesn’t really mean anything, I just like it)


i can’t be her angel now
it’s not my
place to hold her down
and it’s
hard for me to take a stand
when i will take her any way i can
– john mayer