Monthly Archives: April 2006

Back to School

I am finally back to school.  With taking a day off and the long weekend the monday, I ended up having a 3 day week


Went home Thursday night, and made it to NJ Turnpike by…. 12am?  Got up early next morning and had the first day of Georgetown’s open house…  That day, in the Dean’s panel for Georgetown College, I essentially discovered that Pre-Med is just not for me.  I’m pretty sure I could handle all the work and stress and gross classes and stuff but I realized that I would be taking so many classes that I don’t want to take and doing so many things I don’t want to do.  It would only be… good? worth it? when I got the degree at the very end after Med school and after residency… ugh.  So 70% of the learning I’d be doing wouldn’t be worthwhile in a sense… so I plan to transfer to the School of Foreign Service within Georgetown.  The student panel was discouraging cuz basically, the representatives affirmed the stereotype that Georgetown is a pretty serious drinking/party school.  Fun.  So I’ll have to deal with that when the time comes.  I know there’s drinking everywhere.. ok I’m stopping about that aspect since I can’t do anything about it.  Went to a mock class with the professor (of Gov’t) and that was really cool as well. 


Some of the people I met there were pretty absymal.  If ever there was a stereotype for people who wear Abercrombie, they made up a large population of the pre-froshes; kinda sad.  But I met some decent ones – I wasn’t really interested in getting names and SNs and everything because I was basically trying to figure out if I would like the school – but I met a kid from Loomis Chaffee who was pretty cool (hurray for the ISL… and I saw 3 other PA kids there and I’m sure at least 8 PA kids are gonna be there next year).


Saturday… had good breakfast at the GTown dining hall and then toured every freshmen dorm.  Some are pretty good and there’s one that’s pretty gross.  I then went to an academic panel with SFS students (which isn’t for me technically since I’m currently in the College… but oh well) and that really showed me that the SFS was better for me.  Then… that was it.  It took FOREVER to drive back – the rain was terrible so the 6 hour drive took 9 hours instead.  Very tiring but my Dad’s a road warrior, seriously.


Sunday, played piano at church… I’m still floating in my faith.  I’m doing better I’m sure because I’m pretty much no longer concerned/angry/worried/bitter/confused about the whole college thing.  So that’s an improvement.  This morning, I read the Bible instead of using OUR JOURNEY and I think that was pretty good but I was sooooo tired that… well I wish I weren’t so tired cuz then I would’ve remembered/absorbed more.  *sigh*  Have the Mock AP Calculus exam this evening after practice and dinner… oh well, this week’ll be ok.


—-


everybody here
is living life in fear
of falling out of line
– yellowcard

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I’m up a little later than I’d like but I’ll update anyway.

Friday: Funny schedule cuz of the Good Friday service break in the
middle of day.  Went to King’s Subs with Bec, Jen, My Khanh,
Gershy, Pawina, Maggie, and Andrew for lunch.  At practice, I did
hardly anything. I ran the warm-up, completed 2 handoffs, and
left.  Didn’t have ACF that night cuz of long weekend
irregularities and watched the Girls Vars Lax game – they owned KUA.

Saturday: Went to ACF morning prayer that Emily ran and then wolfed
down breakfast and dashed to meet the bus to Deerfield.  We
watched Ocean’s Eleven on the way there.  I ran the 4x100m Relay
without a hitch.  My handoff with Edwin was flawless – adrenaline
as an artform eh?  My tendon gave a little twitch but it was
fine.  I ran the 400m and clocked 54.2 (man, 0.1 off my PR of last
week… grrr, stupid wind around the 2nd curve).  I
placed second against Deerfield’s real 400m runner, and I honestly
could’ve had him if it was windless, so that was all right.  I was
pain-free, so I ran the 200m as well, but I knew that I was really low
on fuel and I guessed that I would fade early.  And I was right, I
started to slow much earlier than my current, real, strength would have
– the 400 really drains me quite a bit.  I came in 2nd with a time
of 23.9 (0.1 off my PR @ Exeter last spring…) but I know that I
would’ve won it if I’d run it under normal circumstances so that was
all right.  I cheered for people afterwards.  Becca ran the
3000m for the first time and it went really really well (although I
dunno if Becca wants that, since that means she’ll have to run it more
often now).  Blixt got pulled from the race cuz he was whining and
his coach was fed up with him.  Boo-yah, how the mighty are
fallen. So, Sean and Wilson beat the nearest Deerfielder by 75 seconds
– total ownage.  So it was good meet!  We watched Grease on
the way back… Dunno why I added that in.  It was a fun, happy
day.  I got back to campus, showered, and went
home.

Today, played piano for the youth service.  Joyce led, thank
goodness.  I know I’m not in any state to be doing anythign like
that.  It’d be a total mess if I did.  Afterwards, tried to
go around and buy some stuff but as I kinda guessed, most stores and
the mall were closed, so that’ll have to wait till tomorrow
*sigh*.  Had dinner at home which was really good (Mom’s pork
chops) and then tried to do Physics homework… but it was
viciously difficult.  I still have to write English
journals…

Aside from this Saturday, I don’t think I liked this week very much at
all.  Scratch that, I had a bad week.  I was extremely
irritable for the most part and I’ve been… extremely susceptible to
temptation and pitfalls – I can feel how much weaker I am than
normal.  I don’t like this, I’m floating and drifting in an
inertial state of faith and there’s no net to arrest me.  I know
right now I sound (or at least I imagine I do and I know I feel like I
am) apathetic but when I get to thinking about it, it’s not quite so
complacent.  I’ve lost my sight of what’s going on and what I’m
doing.  I can’t see the targets I’m firing at on all fronts. 
What was it this week that pushed me over the edge?  Oh yes, God
wanted me to go for an opening, to be bold and suck it up and share and
talk, and I got blown to pieces.  For the first time ever. 
EVER.  I tried to share, apologetics (? no not even really, more
like tried to just… talk about faith) and get destroyed, absolutely
destroyed.  You might be thinking “well Greg, you’re not being
humble enough maybe God wanted you to slip up” but the only reason I’ve
never had a slip-up in … apologetics/missions/sharing is because when
I’ve gone in, I’ve gone in armed with God and nothing but.  Every
word and analogy that comes to mind is more than the product of my
neural messengers.  But God implied “Hey Greg, you should try that
out” and I did and I was boxed in, drawn and quartered.  There was
no entry point, there was philosophical stubbornness, and the heart was
hard, not to God per se, but to love particularly (which really sucks)
and I faced a very very cynical outlook.  I’m really vague. 
If you’ve ever shared or done apologetics then perhaps you know what I
mean.  I feel like God yelled ‘CHARGE’ and then forget to give me
cover fire, I feel like he hung me out to dry.  I don’t think
humility is the lesson to be learned because frankly, my self-esteem is
quite sufficiently deflated of late.  I’m out of vision, drive,
energy, insight, and the sense of God.  I’m floating around,
drifting, sinking even.  I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

I wish I’d get a single word of assurance that every thing I’ve had to
give up for God would be unquestionably worth it.  As it is, I
find myself shaking, questioning the circumstance and the evidence and
the necessity of the action.  Late at night when I’m not yet I can
hear/see myself (if you ever talk to yourself or play things through in
your head, perhaps you see yourself talking to you.  Hope that
makes sense, I’m not insane I swear).  I can see myself, with a
pained, desperate, screaming face, eyes wide with terror, and terrible
regret yelling at ME, yelling “How could you give that up?  How
could you?  What in the #$@*#$&@*#$!*#&!@ were you
thinking?  What man in his right mind, or in any fraction of his
right mind would’ve given her up?”  And then I usually try to fall
asleep because at this point in my life I can’t bear to think that I’ve
made the wrong choice, I can’t bear to think that I’ve cut myself a
scar this deep for no reason.  I have to believe that it’s all
worth it.  And as you can tell it’s…. been difficult
lately.  Difficult because I’m losing the short-term reminders and
encouragements let along the long-term vision.

And that was very long.  And now you the know extent of the
burdens I’m bearing.  Which, may or may not be, significant. 
I’m such a mess.  *sigh*

—-

as i go

remember all the simple things you know

my mind is just a crutch

and i still hope

that you will miss me when i’m gone

this is the last song
-the all-american rejects

I’m in the Library on this Thursday morning; my first class is at 10:45 so I’m just chilling/just finished e-mailing important people (Joyce and Coach Callum) because I want them to write letters for me to the two schools I’m waitlisted at.  It’s a bother, more envlopes, more stamps, more hand-addressed everything… *sigh*


I got back my Math and my Music tests which is a good thing.  Math was a 92 and I know I’ll get even higher after the Extra Credit points come into play.  I got a 90 on my Music test… which is good, although the points that were taken off were rater picky, so it’s kinda weird.  Our class is really polarized; we got a buncha 70/80s and then the rest of us up in the 90s.  What’s annoying is that I clearly demonstrated that I knew about 96 points worth of material; I kept reitering some points here and there etc., but he was picky as to where he wanted it under which question.  Grr.


Track has been so-so lately.  I owned the workout on Monday; literally beasted it out and felt strong.  I even lifted afterwards – I felt really good, really strong.  And then Tuesday was skills and….. doing my first relay hand-off…. I felt a jolt/twinge/shock in my ankle/foot.  (that’s a lot of /s I know…)  So I completed the hand-off, awkwardly I admit, and then told Callum that I felt something weird.  We did some striders as a group, to loosen up and such, buit it was hurting then.  I tried another hand-off which wasn’t really good either, and then it hurt more.  It hurt to walk in my spikes because they cock your toes up so I took ’em off and walked back barefoot.  I went to the trainers and Birecki said it was a tendon issue, left achilles tendon.  After icing, she put these two heel boosters in my shoes to take pressure off the tendon.  Yesterday I didn’t run at all; I just warmed up the long-sprint/hurdle group and then when Callum got there I left.  It kinda sucks because my fitness and strength right now are at a tremendous level, like never before.  I can burst up the hills, I can explode and everything.  But I can’t because my tendon is irritated… I dunno if I’ll even be able to run today… I don’t even know if I’ll be strong enough to run at the meet on Saturday (at Deerfield against Deerfield and Taft)…. Gah.


Ok time to write those envelopes and get started on homework before class starts.  I need to get ahead.

Weekend

This has been a rather strange week.  Quite a bit has been good,
but then quite a bit has been on the off side…  I had 3 tests,
all went well I think.  I even got an 89 on my Physics test! 
And, the class average was a 77!  It could be a 6,
maybe.  Math test seemed all right, and the Music test
seemed all right as well.  So academically things are going
well.  Track has been ok too.  Despite being extremely
inflexible and tight this entire week (cuz of that crazy workout and
then a lot of lifting afterwards) I’ve had a good week of
practice.  Yesterday’s meet was…. strange…. all of us guys got
our events switched for…. purposes of “training through the meet” so
I ran the 400m, and got a new PR of 54.1sec which is quite an
improvement over my former best in that race (from 2 years ago). 
And then last night was a bunch of fun; after the meet, I went to the
Loop with Becca, Grace, Felicity, and Andrew to see Inside Man
which was GREAT!  Clive Owen was awesome, and Denzel played a good
part.  I highly recommend it.  So that’s good.  Oh yes
and I’m also happy that I’ve got a date to prom and she’s a good one
and everything so that’s nice; so there’s quite a bit that’s good.

Some of the less good… having to do stuff for waitlists.  It’s
not a big thing it’s just in my mind and all of that.  I went too
long with ACF too and it’s still just as hard to hold it
together.  Most of the week was OK but on Thursday, I was on the
phone with Mom and she said something really unnecessary and unhelpful
on the phone.  It made me really mad because I really wasn’t in
the mood to be criticized for something really unimportant, which was
unfortunate since my parents have been good up until now, but they’re
suddenly so afraid that I don’t know how to write a letter or
something… I know they’re concerned but they’re… it’s not what I
need right now.  So although Thursday was a good day, my
conversation with Mom and then Dad
basically ruined it, it made me really upset cuz it wasn’t even over
anything worth the trouble.  And then last evening I was cut down
in other ways…  Won’t go into it.  But I was gonna prepare
worship
last evening and I was so upset, literally I screamed so loud and
punched the desk so hard that my hallmate came to check on me… Ugh, I
knew that if I tried to put a set together it would be
bad.  I went to bed and then woke up this morning and did it…
which I’m not really proud of.  It went all right, but
I dunno, I just felt so “grrrah” cuz Paul didn’t show up (and I’m not
mad at him or anything, just that the little stressor is magnified
while I’m flusterd you know?) and then just having to lead the entire
Sunday service as if I were…. Joyce or Steve… instead of …. being
a youth, an 18-year-old… I dunno, it’s
just…. tiring.  It’s taxing…  *sigh*

I’m writing my letter to UPenn write now… Ok I need to get to sleep
soon.  And I realize that I haven’t done my Music homework yet….
grr…

Phew, Thursday already?!  Been busy I guess.  Track this week has veen ish, nothign special or good really.  Our meet got cancelled yesterday but I’m not sad because I’m really quite sore after our tough workout and then my elective, crazy lifting afterwards.  I haven’t lifted legs like that in awhile.  Today will be another workout and I’m still stiff; my flexibility has gone from “very good” to “can’t touch my toes.”


Classes have been all right.  Tuesday was nice; I got a free cut from Music for a workshop on Wednesday, so I had only 2 classes on Tuesday.  I had a Physics test on Wednesday which actually felt pretty good and yesterday’s practice was also pretty easy.  Today had my weekend quadruple sleep-in (my first class is at 10:45) and then took my Math test, which I left early from since I finished early.  I thought that went well too.  Tomorrow I have…. all classes, I get my Physics test back, I turn in some English journals, and I have a Music test – it should be easy I think.


What I need to do and want to but can’t quite get it right is to finish my ACF discussion.  I have it, I know the topic, I know the examples I want to use, but I can’t find the English to talk about it and let it flow it.  It’s frustrating.  Maybe that’s God saying “Greg you’re in no position” but then again, if we wait around till things are happy go lucky, I’d only be… “ready ready ready” maybe two days out of seven you know?  Sorry if that sounds weird, but as a Christian it’s not always “Hallelujah” and joy joy joy.  The point of faith is to believe and act even when it doesn’t feel like hallelujah.  Sorry, tangent.  I have to do my ACF discussion.


Things aside from the news have been all right.  Kit and I are still talking normally (honestly, break-ups should all be this gentle, painless, and normal) and it’s really good, I’m really glad that we can and everything.  Classes are going all right as I’ve said, and my devos this morning were good, quite appropriate actually.  Those of you who do Soul Journey can look at today and reference my last entry and see the replication of the word “Test” and “refine” and “burn” or echoes of that in today’s piece.  So I’m trying to come to grips with it, I think I’m ok and I don’t think I’m lagging behind in…. recovering or anything like that.  Oh yes, and I’m going to prom with Bec.  And that doesn’t mean anything else in case you’re wondering.


All right, it’s time for practice (or will be once I’m done with all the typing and everything anyway).


———–


things in the past
things yet unseen
wishes and dreams that are
yet to come true
all of my hopes
all of my plans
my heart and my hands
are lifted to You

The weekend is over.  It was a rather quick one, but pretty
good all the same.  On Friday after class and practice, I had a
planning meeting with the ACF Core Group to try and map out what we’re
doing for the term or at least some of the meetings.  I don’t even
know which times I personally won’t be around, what with visiting and
open houses etc.

Saturday I got up earlier than I would’ve liked
to… I’ve been having trouble sleep.  So I got up early then went
to class (yes, Saturday classes) which were Physics and English. 
Afterwards, had a light practice (I essentially only did 2 block starts
the whole practice; aka just about nothing).  I moped around,
finished my Music homework and watched part of Scarface before going to
Becca’s house with the rest of the crew for dinner and movie and
such.  Felicity did the cooking and it was good; we had chips and
her own fresh guacamole, pasta with a light sauce, and then angel cake
with hand-whipped cream and strawberries.  Pretty elaborate! 
Jen, Andrew H, Andrew Y, Kate, Mike Li, myself, Bec, and
Felicity were there and it was a good meal.  We played PICTIONARY
too, which is lots of fun when we’re all really loud and have varied
drawing/guessing skills – My team (Felicity and Andrew) won
We watched My Cousin Vinny afterwards which is hilarious. 
“Yoots?”  Came back afterwards, and prepped for worship for…
another hour or two.  This spring forward thing hurt me a lot
since I had get up at 7:20 (which is…. 6:20 in yesterday time). 
Today I led worship centering on walking by faith.  Clif’s sermon
was pretty cool and he had some funny stories too.  Went home,
laundry, homework, good food.

I’m going through a rough
time right now.  I’m painfully disappointed about my list, I feel
cheated and … robbed? of what I should’ve had or something like
that.  Yes I occasionally get jealous of people who got into the
schools I wanted, but more often, I feel sad knowing that my friends
have a selection of their top bunch to pick from (whether Ivy or not
mind you) and I don’t, I only have my lower half to choose from… I’ll
be going somewhere where none of them will be while Jen and Andrew Y
and Josh may even all end up at Cornell or something like that. 
It’s a desolating thought to just think that … my… dream? (that’s
such a pansy cliche word) or… destiny? (that’s a self-edifying one,
not that either) – something between those two and not so conceited –
has been snatched out of my hands.  I said I woke up earlier than
I wanted to because I couldn’t sleep.  Now you know why.  I
… lost it on Friday night trying to get to sleep.  It wasn’t an
easy task and I’m not getting much better.  I can laugh and have
fun and enjoy Senior Spring when I don’t thnk about it but then I do
because I know what’s coming next, I can’t forget; nobody does. And
then it hits me again like a hammer, crushing me, making me angry (at
myself, at my peers?, at God often), makes me sad/depressed, makes me
want to give up, makes me want to die.  It’s so irritating. 
It’s so unfair.  And you’ve heard it all before.  I’m
struggling to walk by faith.  I really am, but I’m not very amused
at God’s constant… desire to push my dying carcass into the fire
again, because this “gold” just isn’t pure enough.  I don’t
understand why He’s testing me so intensely, W.T.F’s the point?! 
Why me?  My fellowship and church have plenty of people who need
testing and need to be strengthened and that’d be great for them
ultimately as a source of growth.  But haven’t I died enough
already?  When do the scars stop, when do the burns stop, when
does the peace come, when does the rest come? 
How come I am constantly hacked at and molded and scorched beyond
recognition and comprehension and compliance?  I’m at the point
where God’s rule of “I’ll never give you more than you can handle” is
about to be wrong.  I have no fellow soldiers of a comparable
caliber or of a mind and heart and faith that look me eye to eye,
there’s no help.  I’m David without the sling and Goliath has
brought his brothers along.  I don’t understand how this is part
of God’s plan, and if that’s not the case, I don’t understand why God
didn’t DO something to make my life easier?  My list doesn’t
influence how I lead ACF or CGC Worship, in fact it makes me worse
because I’m distracted and spiteful.  I’m angry at Him because
He’s offering no explanation or apology (not that I want or expect one)
but more importantly He’s not offering any sort of vision or
assurance.  I die for no fricking reason; I die for what? 
Twice in two years God has taken from me the only things I have EVER
asked for and the results are not worth it.  My experiences have
not helped anyone so much that it’s been worth this eternal scar. 
I am undeniably lonely, I am irrepressibly lonely and I know what it is
that fills this hole but that’s fricking off limits because God wanted
that too.  Franky I’m pretty fricking sick of it right now, pretty
sick of putting shoulder to the wheel and carrying fellowship and team
in whatever capacity I do.  I’m out of fuel, this engine is
running on fumes, it’s burning the NOTHING that I’ve got left, so it’s
taken to burning my strength and resolve and patience and
sympathy.  I’m snappy and angry and hateful and sad and hopeless
and I’m a mess and I wish He’d make this worth it.  If only it
were worth it then I’d be ok.  If only these sacrifices were worth
their weight in saving somebody else’s suffering or life or
something… but all the things I’ve ever … ‘done’ have rarely come
about because of my first great sacrifice, and I can’t see how going to
Georgetown instead of Harvard YaleCornellPrincetonDartmouthUPenn is SO
important yet.  I’m incredibly short-sighted.  But can you
blame me – the two things my heart ever wanted have been burned in
front of me and I’m told to press on.  I’m told to carry others on
my shoulders because it’s what I can do and I’m able to do while
other’s aren’t.  I want to give up. Fricking A.

Gah, it goes back and forth.  I hope you realize that I’m not
ALWAYS angry or bitter or anything… it comes and goes.  I’m
kinda worn out at the moment from… I dunno the outpour or whatever…
*sigh* easier day today; and what’s REALLY nice – I only have 2 classes
tomorrow, just 1st and 4th period

over and out

-greg